The Drollian Zodiac
April 2004
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Aries – My goodness, what a positive reading I have for you Aries types this month. I'm positively sure you'll be miserable. If I had a dollar for every time something good happens to you this month I still wouldn't be able to buy a cup of java.
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Libra – Just when you thought things couldn't get worse, April rolls around. Avoid the outdoors and sleep with a light on. You pretty much have a target on your back this month. And speaking of Target, I heard they're hiring. |
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Taurus
– The stars are all in alignment as your saliva chakra overlays your
bowel spirit. Linger near currents of energy and seek perfect
intonation with your aura. If that doesn't work try to hock some
NESARA bucks to the hopelessly gullible.
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Scorpio – You can't keep meandering through life, living from one Star Trek convention to the next. Most everybody else your age has a billfold by now. A comb wouldn't be a bad investment either. |
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Gemini
– When was the last time you were
sober anyway? I know it makes you seem smart and everything,
and I know it builds your confidence level, but come on. Did you ever
stop to consider there may be a very good reason that you have such low self
esteem?
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Sagittarius – You're the kind of person that if a cute girl asks you at a party what kind of underwear you wear you hesitate and then slowly say ". . . depends". You're being honest, but you just hope she wrongly interprets that to mean "sometimes boxers, sometimes briefs". |
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Cancer
– Am I just imagining it or are you really putting on some weight? Its
not like you were small to begin with either. I'm just warning you
that, while you love publicity I don't think you want to be that guy that's
so big they have to take the side off his trailer just to get him out with a
crane.
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Capricorn - Love is in the air. You've been patient for a long time and now you really deserve this. True, he/she may not be the best looking person around, but then you aren't so great looking either. Just remember, looks aren't everything. That's about the only thing I can think of to say that might keep you going for another month. |
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Leo
– You spend a lot of time worrying that people might be talking about you
behind your back. You needn't worry any longer. I promise you
they are. Not only that, the talk is very negative and there's a lot
of under the breath giggling concerning something you said or did at work
the other day. At least they don't let you know what they're saying.
That would be cruel.
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Aquarius – You have a reputation for being straight-forward, honest, hard working, and trustworthy. When are you going to get it through your head that these character traits just don't pay off in the long haul? You're such a knob! Concentrate on ruthlessness and chicanery in the coming days and watch the accolades and rewards come pouring in. |
| Virgo – Your dream in life is to be among the top 3 Karaoke performers at Lonnie's one of these Thursday nights. If you could just get the timing right on "Ode to Billy Joe" you might have a shot, provided the Tomlinson sisters don't show up that night. Remember, pitch ain't just for baseball. |
Pisces – What a waste of space you turn out to be. I'd rather gnaw my own arm off than suffer through a 30 second conversation with you. No offense, I mean you're probably good with table arrangements and printer settings. Nevertheless, stay out of my driveway with that leaky thing you drive.
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| see January 2004 | see February 2004 |
| see March 2004 |