The Drollian Zodiac

The Drollian Zodiac

January 2004

Aries – You are arrogant and frequently without shame.  You crowd into lines and drive fast in school zones.  This month will be a good month financially and a bad month romantically, but what do you know about romance anyway.  You’re too busy trying to get the upper hand over everybody to ever have a real relationship.


Libra – The scales.  In your case the scales are tipping. You might want to think about finding a job and shedding a few.  How long can you go on living with your Aunt Wilma behind the Piggly Wiggly, playing Playstation 24/7?  Good God man, get useful!
Taurus – The Bull.  As in Bull Sh*t.  Most everything you do revolves around self gratification.  You probably can’t drive past a Wendy’s without pulling in.  You tell people they look good in aquamarine but you don’t mean it.  You might get lucky with a Virgo this month.  You also MIGHT come into an inheritance.  Don’t hold your breath though.


Scorpio – Pretty good movie…lousy birth sign.  Just admit that you’d rather play Stratego with the guys than actually go on a date with a girl.  It wouldn’t kill you to drop ten pounds and as for that haircut, I’ve seen better looking locks on a pound puppy.
Gemini – You have never been able to make up your mind.  When in doubt you just sit there rocking back and forth like an oil rig.  Get off your backside this month and buy that new car you’ve had your eye on.  It’ll look good in the drive-way of your mobile home.


Sagittarius – Your sign is in the last crescent of the lunar decent prior to the unleavened equinox.  Steer clear of rodeos and monster truck rallies.  Actually that’s pretty good advice for everybody.  Stay the hell away from those things!


Cancer – If I could tear you away from yourself for just a moment I’d try to explain that people aren’t all that interested in you.  You probably have bright orange hair and nobody thinks the tweety-bird tattoo makes you look street savvy.  Try reading a book this month.  That’s a novel concept.


Capricorn -  I forget what this is supposed to be but it probably isn’t pretty.  If you think you’re in for a good month, think again.  There’s this little thing called the IRS.  And no, your dog track losing tickets are NOT tax deductible.  You may find solace in a Scorpio friend (assuming you have any friends).  Avoid potted plants this month.


Leo – Lions are huge, voracious, predators with great big mighty teeth.  Leo’s are lesser beasts.  Your primary concerns involve your next meal, and where you may have misplaced your keys.  This is a good month to start a relationship with a non-Leo.  At the very least take a shot at not soiling yourself in public this month.


Aquarius – Water people always think they’re the coolest. You’re not, so forget it.  You tend to blame everyone else for all your problems and are fascinated by such activities as stripping and varnishing furniture.  Join a 12-step program this month.


Virgo – The virgin.  Whatever.  Your moon is aligning with the current third dylithium peapod.  But don’t get cocky.  It’s a good bet that nothing interesting will happen to you this month.  If you’ve been contemplating suicide don’t bother.  You’d just mess it up.

Pisces – The fish.  What a dud sign.  If you’d bathe once in a while people wouldn’t call you that.  But bathing would require a modicum of effort which you are apparently incapable of.  Remember, your life is short.  Do you want your headstone to read “Here lies (Blank).  He/(she) watched a lot of reruns”? Do something!