The Drollian Zodiac
February 2004
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Aries – Built of the stuff of the Earth, (or stuffed with a bowel full of earth), you are creative in your own way. The same way gerbils and lemurs are “creative in their own way.” Your idea of a good time is browsing the aisles of Home Depot with your bright orange oversized shopping cart.
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Libra – Why do I waste my time on Libra’s? You’ve been meaning to get going on that project. You’ve been meaning to read that book. You’ve been meaning to start an exercise program and shed a few pounds. I’ve been meaning to stop wasting my time on Libra’s. |
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Taurus
– February sees you seeking an extension on that pesky loan payment. Why do
those mean banks have to charge all that interest anyway? It just isn’t
fair. It’s not fair that you were born a Taurus either. It’s just the way
it is.
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Scorpio – Don’t put off today what you can put off tomorrow. Get a jump on your procrastination this month by signing up for that long-term gym contract. Everybody knows you’ll never go even once but at least people will be impressed by how good you’re intentions were. |
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Gemini
– You’re a wishy-washy vaporous shell of a person. Nobody wants to
hang around you, except maybe your “other self”. And even they are bored.
Steer clear of opportunities this month. You seem to have perfected that,
so it shouldn’t be a major burden.
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Sagittarius – Don’t be surprised if a huge new relationship develops with an Aquarian this month. Or it could be a new relationship with a huge Aquarian. It’s hard to say, actually. It’s not like I can predict the future by just reading the stars or something. |
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Cancer
– You count how many times you chew every bite you take. It must equal 27
each time or you start to wig out. You’ve recently been given an increased
dosage of your mood management drug and even that isn’t helping. Other
people would rather stick pins in their toes than spend an afternoon with
you.
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Capricorn - This feels like the birth sign to be born under this month. Money, health, relationships, etc. all look as good as they can possibly get for you. But let’s keep that in perspective, shall we. After all, the best it can get for you may not be all that grand. |
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Leo
– Don’t you think it’s time to grow up a bit? I realize that telemarketing
is a noble profession but you should at least start taking that a little
more seriously. If you golf, consider giving up the game, it’s just not
working out.
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Aquarius – When you’re in public settings this month try very hard to occasionally make eye contact with others and to not spill your drink in your lap every time someone makes eye contact back. This is important if you ever plan to take a relationship beyond online chat rooms. |
| Virgo – February could be the month your ship comes in. Then again, February could be the month this piece of crap web-site starts generating a six-figure profit. Nevertheless, you are overdue on some good luck. Just remember, if opportunity comes knocking take the time to set your Astro Man comic down and answer the door. |
Pisces – You’re chemically imbalanced and a big fan of finger pointing. If you’re a parent of young children they are very likely to spend the better part of their lives in federal custody. Let’s cut down on the caffeine and consider limiting ourselves to just one Krispy Crème each day.
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| see January 2004 |