The Drollian Zodiac
June 2004
|
Aries – What a colossal waste of space you are. Wait...that sounds unsupportive. You were the answer to your mother's prayers. No I'm mistaken, she prayed for a 1973 Cadillac Coupe De Ville. At least you finally learned to dress yourself, sort of.
|
Libra – You're coming off a very challenging month, and this one doesn't look much better. Do you ever play the lottery? You have no shot at all of winning but at least it cuts down on the amount of MD 20/20 you can buy this month. |
|
Taurus
– Hope you got your big screen in the trailer. Sometimes its a pretty
tight squeeze. If space is an issue consider ridding your "home" of
non-essentials like bookshelves and magazine racks. You'll be glad to
hear that Discovery Channel is now safe for you to watch since they pretty
much only play episodes of Monster Garage these days.
|
Scorpio – I see prosperity on the horizon. Unfortunately its not yours, its mine. YOU are stuck in a dead-end job in a third-rate town with a woman you only vaguely remember meeting at the Dew Drop Inn when you stopped in there one night with Petey and the rest of 'em. |
|
Gemini
– Plaid is your color. Facial
hair is a must, and YES that goes for you too ladies. As we move into
summer consider lopping off the lower half of your more tattered jeans.
Because yes, cutoffs are definitely coming back, and nothing screams
practicality like cutoffs.
|
Sagittarius – Chicks dig you, guys want to be you. No wait, that's me. You remind me of something my cat coughed up out front the other day. I mean no offense, it's just that I don't see how you tolerate being you, day after day after day. That shows mental toughness though, I suppose. |
|
Cancer
– Money matters become an issue this month. Like that's a surprise.
Treat every day like it will be your last and maybe if you're lucky it will
be. Stay away from monster truck rallies this month.
|
Capricorn - I see a twister in your future. If you don't have a storm cellar you better start digging. And when it's finished just stay there. There's nothing much good for you up top anyway. |
|
Leo
– Wow. People look to you to gain a positive perspective on their
lives. They say to themselves, "at least I'm not like that Leo over
there." And that makes them feel much better. Making people feel
better about themselves is one of the most noble pursuits there is.
|
Aquarius – You better start drying out pretty soon. I heard they're starting to do random drug and alcohol testing at your work place. Those $7 an hour hand assembly jobs don't just grow on trees you know. It took your uncle Lute a while to convince them to take you on after you did your time. |
| Virgo – Every cloud has a silver lining. Except yours. Yours is indeed a dark and foreboding cloud, ready to darken your life and virtually anyone who comes in contact with you. |
Pisces – Concentrate on finding a hobby. Lose yourself in it. And FYI, self-gratification isn't, strictly speaking, a "hobby". Consider productive hobbies like metal detection or coin collecting. Also consider moving out of your Mom's house.
|
| see January 2004 | see February 2004 |
| see March 2004 | see April 2004 |
| see May 2004 |