The Drollian Zodiac
July 2004
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Aries – July is a good month to undertake an assessment of your life. Uh oh. Maybe not such a good idea after all. Between that missed car payment and your run-in with your boss Wally at the dry cleaners this hasn't exactly been a model month. Let's see what August has to offer.
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Libra – When they made you they broke the mold. And speaking of mold, it looks like there's some growing on your backside. That'll happen if you lay on the divan all day and soil yourself frequently. Maybe you can have someone come in every few hours and turn you. |
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Taurus
– Sorry to hear the Army turned you down. We thought they took almost
anybody. At least you've filled out enough applications this month
that you've got that unemployment check coming in.
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Scorpio – July is the month you are liberated from all your worries. Your ship is coming in. Its your turn to drink from the trough of good fortune. You probably think I'm kidding. And I am. Of course none of that is true. Deal with your position on the bottom rung of life's ladder. As soon as you can do that you'll achieve nirvana. (and no, I don't mean the band) |
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Gemini
– It's been a very long time since
your planets aligned. A very long time indeed. Oh well. At
least that burning sensation has subsided since doc prescribed doubling the
dose.
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Sagittarius – You've got to learn that the money you drop at the strip club is NOT, technically speaking, an investment. I'm certain you can't deduct it and the odds of it returning anything at all (other than something you don't want, see Gemini) is unlikely. |
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Cancer
– The tree of life has many branches. Roots burrow and branches
spread. Each of us is a leaf on that tree, unique in our many subtle
patterns and shapes. Dancing randomly yet purposefully on the currents
of life's fragrant air. Your particular leaf has been nibbled around
the edges by bugs and has a lot of bird shit on it.
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Capricorn - Words can't describe all the good things in store for you this month. Oh wait...yes they can. No good things are in store for you this month. It was actually much simpler than I thought. Nothing, none, nada, zilch, zero. |
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Leo
– You need to let go of your dream of being on one of those reality shows.
Have you noticed they pick mostly attractive people? That sure
eliminates you from the picture, doesn't it. Besides, those things are
rigged anyway.
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Aquarius – July means its time for you Aquarians to really examine your religious lives. God didn't put you on this earth to spend your days drinking, gambling, and fornicating. That's my job. Yours is to put on your paper hats and serve me some fries. |
| Virgo – A very famous philosopher once said, "I'm OK, You're OK". He was obviously wrong. I'm more than OK and you're a damn site short of the mark. Let's just shoot for tolerable. That's probably enough of a stretch goal for now. |
Pisces – This is my least favorite sign. You guys never accomplish anything. When's the last time you read a book without pictures? When did you last remember a family member's birthday? This month try to learn the difference between a job and a career.
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| see January 2004 | see February 2004 |
| see March 2004 | see April 2004 |
| see May 2004 | see June 2004 |