The Drollian Zodiac

The Drollian Zodiac

August 2004

Aries – Your month dawns bright as a Sagittarian offers help in the way of bankruptcy advice.  You may not want to listen to him though.  Isn’t he the same one who talked you into the mullet cut last year before the White Snake concert? 

Libra – You have the confidence of a king and the gumption of a guppy.  Avoid sharp objects this month and remember to follow the dosage instructions on all your over-the-counter medications. 

Taurus – Your bull spirit shines through this month.  At least your bull something.  Having failed miserably in your attempts to get on American Idol and then various Survivor episodes, your only chance for success now lies in the lottery.  Go for it dude!


Scorpio – The month starts poorly for you . . . and that’s as good as it gets.  It’s all down hill from there actually.  If you own a gun make sure you don’t own a bullet.  Remember, life is short, and in your case that’s a very good thing.

Gemini – So you finally got a date with Carla, the night cashier at Piggly Wiggly!  Big deal.  You’re definitely not the first.  And there will be others.  Stick to what you know best, which, if I recall in your case is tacking up pictures of the Dukes of Hazzard on the inside walls of your trailer.


Sagittarius –  Money comes to you this month.  Money comes to you every month come to think of it, although typically in the form of an unemployment check.  I think you’d be surprised how much you could save if you cut down to two packs a day.

Cancer – A spiritual journey awaits you.  A stranger clad only in a small wrap will visit you in the late hours carrying an important message that could change your life.  If I were you I’d immediately put in a request for a transfer out of cellblock B.


Capricorn -  You need to get back to basics.  Love is central to your mental health.  You haven’t love or mental health right now.  The Prozac might calm things down in your head a bit but it won’t do a thing for the tragedy that is your social life. 

Leo – If life were a grocery store you’d be a can of creamed corn on the bottom shelf.  And you’d be marked down to a quarter and your expiration date would just about be up and there’d be a lot of dust on your lid. 


Aquarius – Some of the greatest humans who’ve ever graced this earth were Aquarians.  And at the same time there’s been a whole bunch like you too.  How about this weekend you take a shot at mowing the backyard.  I’m pretty sure Billy’s wagon is back there somewhere.

Virgo – The sign of the virgin?  I don’t think so.  Not around here anyway.  Don’t listen to those co-workers at A & W, you DO look nice in corduroy.  Drink from the fountain of knowledge and eat a mountain of foliage this month. 

Pisces –   Once again NASCAR dominates your existence.  I know you like all the pretty colors on the cars and their numbers don’t go too high so you don’t get all messed up.  It’s just that there’s more to life than watching things go around in circles.


see January 2004

see February 2004

see March 2004

see April 2004

see May 2004

see June 2004

see July 2004