September 8, 2005
White House Declares: We've Turned the Corner
WASHINGTON D.C. - As a result of the admittedly delayed but now feverish response to hurricane Katrina, what could easily have been the biggest public relations disaster in American history has been narrowly avoided. White House press secretary, Scott Mclellan told reporters today "We have turned the corner. The poll numbers we're looking at now aren't anywhere near as catastrophic as anticipated and in the coming days we think we will see them continue to rise. What we're seeing this week is a very different picture from what we saw last week. We've got control of New Orleans again and the media will not be allowed back in. Many on the white house staff are involved in seeing that they are evacuated from Mississippi and Alabama as well. I think its only a matter of time before we have a serious handle on the flow of information, much like we do in Iraq." Although some thought it came too late, the relief effort by hundreds of right wing pundits blaming the citizens and mayor of New Orleans for the thousands of deaths in the city is having a dramatic effect. "I just thank God for people like these. People who can put aside human decency and come to the aid of their country in its time of need." Mclellan concluded.
Democratic Senators Decry Bullying by Republicans
WASHINGTON DC - Nearly in tears Senator Joe Lieberman made claims today that Republican Senators stealing lunch vouchers, giving titty twisters and wedgies has become the order of the day in the United States Senate. Senator Lieberman recalls an agonizing hour spent in the Senate commissary with Senator Orrin Hatch continually pelting him with peas from across the room and screaming 'Hey Jewboy, where's your mama now'. Even sacred cows like Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy aren't immune to the onslaught. "Last month he (Sen. Kennedy) was pantsed in the Senate washroom and a large 'L' was drawn on his forehead with a Sharpie." says Lieberman. "I know people think this is just harmless fun but Senator Tom Harkin spent over three hours at his urologist's office last week after being given a 'super wedgie' by Republican members of the committee on Foreign Relations." Taking their cue from the movie "Revenge of the Nerds" Democrats are awaiting some sort of "fair" or "track meet" that will allow them to even the score.
Hurricane Survivors to be Given Debit Card, 40 Acres and a Mule
HOUSTON TX - Many survivors here at the Astrodome today were heartened by news of the government's plan to give them 2000 dollar debit cards, 40 acres and a mule. "I sincerely hope they don't blow it all on Penny Whistles and Moonpies" said former President George H Bush.
