September 7th, 2005
Karl Rove in Contract Dispute with Mephistopheles
WASHINGTON D.C. - Opening motions were made today in Moultrie Courthouse as Mephistopheles vs. Rove begins winding its way through the Superior Court. Mephistopheles claims that Rove, senior advisor to the white house, is reneging on a contract made in 1998 in which Mr. Rove pledged his soul in exchange for supernatural assistance in the upcoming presidential election. Mr. Rove now claims that he had no soul to begin with but was unaware of that fact at the time of the deal, hence the contract had been entered into in 'good faith'. Mr. Rove claims to have hundreds of witnesses on hand who can attest to the fact that he is basically a 'soulless bastard'. Legal experts predict a landmark trial that could determine whether 'spiritual bankruptcy' can be used as a factor in civil litigation.
Barbara Bush's Tragic Descent into Dementia Shocks Reporters
HOUSTON TX. - Reporters were stunned Monday by an obviously deranged Barbara Bush's comments during a tour of the Superdome. "I can't believe she wasn't under medical supervision" said KPCR reporter Stan Holloway, "Surely the family must have known of her condition". The former first lady shocked reporters by stating "So many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this--this (she chuckles slightly) is working very well for them". Mrs. Bush then proceeded to chase nearby children in an effort to "rub a pickaninny's head for luck". After being subdued by secret service agents, Mrs. Bush was taken to Cypress Creek hospital for observation.
Halliburton Wins Contract for America's Newest Waterpark
HOUSTON TX. - Lake Freedom, a planned theme waterpark to occupy what used to be New Orleans, will be designed and constructed by the Halliburton Company after winning a no-bid contract from the US government, it was announced today. "This is a bit off the beaten path for us" says Halliburton spokesman James Rodman "but there's some exciting ideas being generated by this. We will be flooding the relatively dry French Quarter and there will be glass bottom boat tours over the historic district. We're in talks with Disney at the moment to incorporate 'The Little Mermaid' as the overall theme". The park should be open to the public in the summer of 2007.
