September 5th, 2005
White House in Desperate Need of Writers
Forced to recycle cliches from 9/11 the white house is involved
in a desperate search for writers to help the administration deal
with the crisis in the Gulf Coast. "This is pathetic",
Scott Mclellan, press secretary stated early this morning "I
mean here's a quote following 9/11 'The rest of the world hears
you. And the people who knocked these buildings down will hear all
of us soon' and here's the same quote used again on Friday
' The world saw this tidal wave of disaster descend upon the
Gulf Coast, Now they're going to see a tidal wave of compassion'.
If this continues we're going to be hearing speeches about how Katrina
can run but not hide". Mr. Mclellan clearly fighting back tears
at this point "I don't know how much longer we can go on until
some help is brought to bear on this. People need to get off their
asses and help out here". Anyone experienced with writing bumper
stickers, hallmark greeting cards or church newsletters are encouraged
to come forward
Bill O'Reilly Admits 20 Year Membership in NAMBLA
In a moment of rare candor, Fox commentator Bill O' Reilly admitted today that he's been a member of the North American Man Boy Love Association since 1994. "If loving too much is a sin then I suppose you can call me guilty" O' Reilly said "Now bring out your attack dogs". Although, apparently prepared for the worst, the public response to O' Reilly's confession has been supportive. "This is a great man who speaks the truth" notes Biff Wainright editor of the Pacific Yachting Newsletter, "we all have our little 'indulgences' for instance I can't get enough of Ben and Jerry's Marsha Marsha Marshmellow ice cream. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone".
"Uppity Negro's Gettin' Under My Skin" Says President
President Bush in response to Kanye West's critical remarks during an NBC concert for hurricane relief stated "That uppity negro's gettin' under my skin. He's rubbin' me the wrong way and there's a hickory stick a-headin' for his backside if he doesn't learn his place and right soon." Mr. West could not be reached for comment.
