September 20, 2005

Democratic Party Officially Declared Dead

WASHINGTON DC - After a protracted illness ultimately resulting in brain death the Democratic Party of America quietly succumbed to the inevitable late last evening after being taken off life support. The seriousness of the party's condition had been the subject of speculation for the last few years but apparently no one knew, or cared for that matter, just how grave conditions had become. Said one party member "we knew it (the party) was hurting back in 2000 when it took a major assfuckin' by the GOP without a whimper but after the 2004 debacle where that 'haircut looking for a brain' Kerry couldn't fend off the most defeatable president in the history of America we kinda suspected it might be all over. Its hard to believe that the party of FDR, Kennedy and Truman is dead but that's the way it goes." Several alternatives have been suggested for former Democrats e.g. the Green Party, the Libertarian Party, the Pansexual Peace Party and the Pot Party but nothing that wouldn't result in gales of laughter from friends and associates. Responding to the news, 41% of America briefly opened its eyes, rolled over and went back to sleep.

Left Wing Kook Cindy Sheehan Arrested in New York

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Move over Texas Rangers, Sheriff Michael R. Bloomberg is headin' them sidewindin' bushwhackers off at the pass. After the failure of Crawford Texas lawmen to arrest and detain 'non troop supporting' desperado Cindy Sheehan, Mayor Bloomberg of New York City has decided to take matters into his own hands. When word of the Sheehan gang being holed up at union square reached the mayor earlier today he immediately formed a posse and rounded up the head miscreants. "Ms. Sheehan's cooling her heels in the New York City hoosegow at the moment." said the mayor "We don't partake of them liberal hi jinks here in New York City. Let this be a warning to any queer, nigger lovin' communist bastards that they ain't welcome here."