News Sept 16, 2005

September 16, 2005

Feds Prepare to Invade New Orleans

NEW ORLEANS, LA - (Transcript of President Bush's September 15 speech) Good Christians, friends and fellow citizens of this great land, 150 years ago our forefathers began the great reconstruction of the south after it had been ravaged by the civil war. We are now embarking on a similar venture and accordingly I am taking whatever steps necessary to insure the full economic recovery of the gulf coast region and the city of New Orleans. Firstly, displaced peoples will be encouraged to take root in their new adopted homes. As my mother pointed out, many seem to be much happier in their various shelters than they were in the hovels of New Orleans. This will open up wasted real estate formerly occupied by housing projects and korean liquor stores for corporate development. Secondly, I will put into place measures that will encourage businesses to grow in these afflicted areas. This means tax cuts, the repeal of minimum wage laws and the outlawing of unions. To facilitate this process I've appointed my senior advisor, Karl Rove, to head the newly formed Bureau of Refugees, Freedmen, and Abandoned Lands which will allow for the speedy awarding of contracts and dispersal of government funds. With God's help we can rebuild this once vital area into a vision of America as it should be. In the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I thank you and God bless America.

Michael Chertoff "Dodged the Bullet"

WASHINTON, DC - Much like New Orleans on the Monday following hurricane Katrina, Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff has "dodged the bullet". The head of Homeland Security and overseer of all things FEMA, seems to be immune from any Katrina fallout. "I think throwing Brownie to the wolves saved his ass" says an anonymous source from Homeland Security. "Here's the guy who gave Brownie his talking points for Chrissake and he's come out of this smelling like a rose." Many cite Mr. Chertoff's uncanny resemblance to Boris Karloff as a reason for the media's 'hands off' policy. "He's one scary looking dude" said one New York Times reporter. "Its not hard to imagine this guy as the head zombie in one of those 'night of the living dead' movies. He freaks me out. No way I'm messin' with that guy.