September 14, 2005

PR Coup: Bush's Non-Admission of Acceptance of Responsibility

WASHINGTON DC - In a move that clearly demonstrates why his administration has survived countless blunders that would've decimated previous presidencies, President Bush admitted responsibility for the Katrina debacle while not admitting responsibility. "To the extent the federal government didn't fully do it's job right, I take responsibility". was the statement Bush made. "Genius, pure genius" says advertising executive Phil Bernstien. "At face value it looks like an admission but compare it to 'I take responsibility for what went wrong' and you'll see its not even close. Let's break it down; 'to the extent' implies that the jury is still out on whether there was a problem or not. Bush is a big 'jury's out' kind of guy. e.g. global warming, evolution; 'didn't fully' implies that the job was done but is lacking the slight measure needed to be 'fully done'. ; 'do it's job right' this is the genius part, nothing wrong has been done. This implies that a few thing may have gone 'not right' but that's a far cry from 'wrong' in most peoples eyes. What he's basically done here, which has been a theme throughout his administration, is to lay the burden of proving negatives on his opposition. If I had a team like Rove and company working for me we could sell ice cubes to Mexicans." "Eskimos". "What?". "It's Eskimos. You said sell ice cubes to Mexicans. It doesn't make sense." "Oh, right, eskimos."


Don't You Look at Me! Don't You F*cking Look at Me!

FORT LAUDERDALE , FL - After two weeks of action packed news coverage from New Orleans and the Gulf Coast, Americans are now witnessing non stop coverage of the John Roberts confirmation hearings and they aren't happy about it. "Jesus, let's at least go back to that drunk sorority girl down in Aruba deal. I mean there must be better stories out there than this". says Burt Gartner from his home in Fort Lauderdale FL. "What's Michael Jackon up to ... you know that fruitcake's cooking up something weird.. where's the news on that?" All across American the response is the same. People used to drowning, devastation, looting and rape on the news are now having to switch gears and behold the spectacle of beaureaucratic procedure. "Just give him the f*cking job already so we can move on." says Burt, evidently speaking for America.