September 13, 2005

Roberts Confirmation Hearings Underway

WASHINGTON DC - Yesterday marked the beginning of confirmation hearings for John Roberts following his appointment by President Bush to Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. In what has become de rigeur for nominees, certain issues will not be addressed as this could cause Roberts to be seen as preadjudicating potential cases in the future. Topics not covered will be: abortion, civil rights, affirmative action, civil liberties, immigration and the environment. What will be allowed for discussion is: lawncare, golf, car polish, tipping, action waistbands. how great America is, why M.A.S.H. isn't on TV anymore, argyle socks, American Idol, tennis, Meg Ryan and of course, how wonderful it is to be a rich white man. Today Roberts will be subjected to a volley of complements from both sides of the aisle.

Hundreds of Schizophrenics Go Undiagnosed in America

BUFFALO, NY - There is an alarming trend in American society today, according to Dr. Aaron Norquist, director of the Psychiatric Research Institue of New York State. Literally hundreds of schizophrenics who would normally be diagnosed and treated are slipping through the cracks of the mental health system. "The problem is rampant cel phone use." says Dr. Norquist. "Its not unusual to see someone babbling loudly in public to nobody in particular. Who's to know if they're just talking to a family member on a headset or to the demons that are telling them to kill people. There was a time when schizophrenics and those suffering severe mental disorders stood out in public. Now those days are gone." Although Dr. Norquist doesn't foresee a solution at this point in time he is hopeful that society as a whole will address the issue by establishing some form of etiquette for cell phone usage but he admits that's hardly likely to happen.