Elgin, IL - A panel of celebrity experts wrapped up a heated and lengthy round table discussion Tuesday on just exactly who Senator Trent Lott, R-Mississippi, would be if he were in your grade school class.  Dr. Joyce Brothers insisted throughout the debate that Lott would have been the kid in the front row who keeps raising his hand every time the teacher says something that triggers a memory.  "You know," explains Brothers, "the kid that like if the teacher said the Declaration of Independence was signed on July 3, 1775 or something, would raise his hand and say that's my cousin Eugene's birthday, except not in 1775." 

"I can tell you just by looking at him that he would have been the kid who sits at one of the desks near the windows and eats a lot of paste," counters Bob Denver of T.V.'s Gilligan's Island notoriety.  "I, on the other hand, was that kid that hung out with those other kids and was tardy about 5 out of every 8 periods and always smelled like cigarette smoke."  bragged Denver, trying to re-ignite his languishing career by portraying a bad-boy image.

About halfway through the debate, broadcast on local cable channel 9, there was a brief shoving match between Dr. Phil and Sting over the issue of whether Senator Lott could have been the kid that always had food in his braces.  "Phil kept saying that he would have been the kid that was usually absent but when he did come to class he had to wear a steel neck apparatus and he had braces with food pieces in them.  I say he was ALWAYS in class and ALWAYS had food in his braces.  I'm not backing down on this one."  Dr. Phil tried to explain the misunderstanding away as only being a slight discrepancy.  "I can tell you with certainty that he would have had the neck brace and when he chewed his food he usually would have been the kid where you saw most of the food in his mouth."

Leave it to Beaver's Barbara Billingsley kept insisting throughout the session that panelists were way off in their assessments.  "Vice President Dick Cheney would have been the kid in the front of the class raising his hand all of the time.  George W. would have been the kid in the back of the class with giant ears trying to drop his compass so the sharp part would stick into the wood floor.  Trent Lott, on the other hand, would have been the kid who accidentally superglues his fingers together and always had a doctor's excuse for skipping P.E."

In the end the diverse group of experts could only agree that Senator Lott would NOT have been the kid that made everybody else giggle doing impressions when the teacher's back was turned.  "No, he definitely would not have been in the least bit amusing," confirmed Alex Trabeck.

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